Of A New Chapter

If anyone is still reading this blog,

they might be surprised by the tone of this entry.

Neither sad nor cynical.

and this is why

Okay, you might ask why I'm showing you a picture where everyone looks weird.

I couldn't resist. He makes me smile all the time.

Now, don't roll your eyes and say

"oh, great so now her life is perfect because she has a guy"

"Let me explain... no there is too much. Let me sum up"

in the 9 months David and I have been together there has been:

tears

fights

deaths

struggles

disagreements

worry

frustration

discouragement

AND there has been:

smiles

uncontrollable laughter

new experiences

love

trust

devotion

friendship

hope

and most importantly, a rekindling of our relationships with God

He has impacted my life in so many ways.

People might think things are supposed to go smoothly when you find "the one"

and while our relationship is good, life isn't always easy.

However, we are both the first to admit we are not perfect.

But we both have each others backs. 

We both look for the other person above ourselves.

He is my best friend. My confidant. My sanity.

He knows I'm sometimes an emotional roller coaster (though won't admit it if asked) and that I can be irrational, and despite what i like to pretend, I'm not "always right."

My life is not perfect because I now "have a man"

My life is great because perfection is impossible

and the imperfection of love is amazing in this new chapter.

of A Glimpse With a Smile and A Turn

some people swear up and down that you should not look back

don't look back because you need to be moving forward

don't look back cause it'll trip you up

don't look back because it's not NOW

a small part of me agrees

a big part of me likes to look back though

what's wrong with looking to the past every now and then

the past is the path i've walked to who i am today

remember that one friend who was utterly ridiculous and all we talked about was guys?

or that guy who taught me that relaxing and doing nothing can be just what i need at the end of a long day?

i feel no guilt in looking back on times with people and having a small smile thinking about it

no matter how horrible or abrupt or confusing the ending was

because there was obviously something good about that friendship/ relationship

something that spoke to a part me

something that kept me going

and i think it's ok to smile about those

however, even with that smile

there has to be a turn

back to the present

because 

those people are in my past for a reason

maybe it was simply the lack of time for getting together

maybe the friendship was one sided

maybe it was that it just ran it's course

so a small look back

a shadow of a smile

shake of a head with a chuckle

a sigh

and then a turn back to today

because today

~well~

today holds new promises

adventures and unknowns

new smiles

of Professional Thanks

looking back at this time last year

i can't help but think of all the lessons i've learned and the "teachers" who guided me through them

~so humor me as I thank the gentlemen who have taught me so much this year~

to the girl: thank you for teaching me that i'm not called to always be the bigger person in the relationship. and that grace, while needed in relationships, should not be an excuse for continuing stupidity.

to the wonder boy: thank you for teaching me a relationship always needs more than a spark.

[in all fairness, he doesn't belong in this list with the other professors, he's actually been a steady friend after everything settled down]

to 5 days: thank you for teaching me that listening to my heart is not a sin, even when the outcome isn't easy. and that even the most unassuming, sweet, adoring guy has his jerk moments.

to the pirate: thanks for the lesson to not take moments for granted. they're here today and gone tomorrow. (and the lesson that you dissapearing makes it awkward {for you} when we run into each other 6 months later- fyi, i found it humorous)

to the 12 y/o: thank you for teaching me that age does equal maturity.

 

to the great communicator: thank you for the lesson that a text at 1 am does not constitute a relationship. and that I need to make sure I make decisions for myself, not my family, friends or, heaven forbid, you.

and lastly, to the player: thank you for proving me right. for teaching me that I'm stronger than I think. For teaching me that I deserve better. and for teaching and reminding me that, always, "actions speak louder than words."

the unfortunate thing is that the teacher usually thinks they have nothing to learn

{but that's their loss}

to all my teachers in this past year

thank you for the lessons

*

*

but don't take it personally if i don't suggest your "classes" or retake them

*

*

it's just that

when i look back on what i learned

it all seems relatively

:well:

elementary

maybe you'll move on to teaching lessons that involve more finesse

however, you can only teach what you know

and i think i'm ready to move on to lessons that are slightly more sophisticated

-aka: it takes longer than a couple of weeks to learn everything you have to teach-

thru Stream of Consciousness

do i continue to get myself into situations knowing full well what i'm getting myself into?

or am i really trying to do what i tell people, "not look, just stay open"

i hope it's the latter

but sometimes

...

i'd rather not have anything

cause getting close to anyone and actually letting them see anything vulnerable about me

just brings up the past

i know i'm not the only person out there with a past or even a past that has some hard points

i don't wave that as a "wounded" flag

but it does make me who i am

and who am i anyway?

what am i doing?

why am i still here?

and why don't i have any desire to leave?

why do i have a feeling of impending doom half of the time?

why do i wish the world would end?

where did this ABSOLUTE LOVE of dancing come from?

i've always seen my brother follow after my mother and my sister follow after my father.

not in a bad way, but i've always felt i don't fit.

i feel like i've dabbled in both of those areas (writing and the medical field respectively)

and i CAN kinda get into them

but i need MORE

more creativity and challenge

i know, what's more creative than making up stories and people?

or more challenging than figuring what the issue with someone's body, why it's acting the way it is?

it's just not for me

i have to be fluid

flow

touch people

feed off of their energy

allow their passion to fuel mine

i've felt like i've never known what a passion of mine is

i know one now

dancing

i love it

i wish i could find someone who would go dancing with me

(a guy preferably, dancing with another girl is only slightly "funny" entertaining and only for one time)

but to find someone who ADORES it as much as i do

who i could intertwine with on the dance floor

the music being the only thing driving us

...

i've had that only a few times

it's like being in a dream

and i can't wipe the smile off my face after it

(and i'm definitely talking of legitimate dancing, not just club dancing)

and what sucks is when you find someone who can actually dance

and he's a totally sketchy guy

so many guys my age don't even care to learn

sometimes i wonder if i'm handicapping myself

if i'm intentionally, altho maybe unknowingly, sabotaging things in my life

cause failure is scary

life, truly living life, is scary

and what if i try

and nothing changes?

or i end up farther behind then where i started in the first place?

and why do i give others so much more grace than i give myself?

i think of the things that i beat myself up about

and if anybody were to tell me the exact same thing

i would tell them, there's nothing that they can do to lose HIS love

but that would be a line

(even if it's true)

and i HATE lines

i have grown to dislike lines so much

the lines we get/ give on religion

("it's not a religion, it's a relationship")

the lines we get/ give on relationships

("well, if he doesn't call you back, he's the one losing out")

the lines on life in general

("don't worry, you'll look back on this and it won't be that big of a deal)

just so sick of them

of a Quick Rant

{because i can}

{because it's my blog}

i'm tired of always being the "bigger person"

trying to take the high road while the other person acts like a child

that is all

thank you

In Translation

i greatly apologize to the male population

because

it's true

women rarely say what we mean

or even what we want to say

i'm going to try to explain some of the ways i think

when we gloat all the time about being right

we are secretly hoping that you will prove us wrong

when we state that there is no use in fighting

we're begging you to fight, to try

when we state that there is no point, our mind is made up

we want you to change it

when we claim to be over it

we're probably not over it 

(if we were, there would be no reason to have to say it)

when we say we "had an ok day" when you ask how it was

we really mean we don't want to freak you out by telling you

that we got in a fight with a friend and then had to go to work and then got yelled about by a customer, then our car wouldn't start and had to be towed and we ended up hearing from our ex who is still an immature jerk and we just want to cry plus we missed our favorite show due to the car situation

when we seem indifferent or distant for no apparent reason

we're scared

but most importantly

when we don't say what we mean

we are really just looking for that guy who will try to understand and will eventually cause us to trust him enough to tell him exactly what we mean

of a Fortune

"you are headed in the right direction"

~

~

~

oh really?

i'm head in the right direction, oh wise Chinese fortune cookie?

i'm so glad you are wiser than i

'cause

i didn't know that running around feeling like a chicken with my head cut off was a direction

at least that's how i feel

it'd be nice to be going the right direction

or even to be kinda meandering in the realm of the right direction

but i guess that's why i have this reminder with me

"not all who wander are lost"

that's probably what i need to be remembering

not some piece of paper that came in a tasteless container that is heralded as a cookie

{altho, the Chinese was a nice pick-me-up to the day}