{past writings brought out}

I came across a couple of things i wrote in the past year or so.

Sometimes just writing them for others to see helps.

there's no explanation with these- just words as i wrote them.

***

my fingers hold so tightly onto the box.

it is messy.

screwed up and a total wreck.

i made it quickly, without any plans or idea of what i was doing, simply knowing i wanted a box.

if i let someone else who knows how to fix it take it from my hands, it will be bettered.

But i don't know that i want that.

Because, even though it's messy and probably doesn't even look like a box, it's mine.

I made it.

And i have control.

But do i really want control over something that is useless?

something i'll end up looking at and regretting or wanting to destroy?

***

***

sometimes it gets lonely behind a wall. even if the wall has a door in it and people are able to go in and out, sometimes the people i want to talk to are the ones who were the reason i built the wall. But then, through the wall, i hear the taunts and the shouts and all they are saying... and i'm grateful for the wall again, Because they're not able to see how each look, or each word they throw at me actually hits me. I built the wall to make them think that they can't get to me, that i'm fine and don't care. But no wall is perfect. They have cracks, holes. I can still hear. The actual use of the wall is to hide me when the words actually pierce my heart and the looks make me want to cry... But they don't know that. All they see is the wall. The coldness and immobility - how i wish they see me. I can't be moved, emotionally or even physically. As sad or depressing as that thought is- it works for me. Because those few times i feel the words thru the wall, there are more times i have become like the wall.

i am unable to show emotion.

***

Of Not Being Controlled By Emotions

I know.

Some of you just laughed hysterically at the title, shook your head and said "oh, good luck."

Let's count all the things I have that make this statement a really, really seemingly impossible thing to obtain.

1. I'm female.

Yeah.

That's a good enough list don't you think?

(I thought so)

I am just so sick of having my days be roller coasters. It could be going so well and then one small thing: he does/ doesn't talk to you, your friend states something in just a certain way, a co-worker passes on a bit of "harmless" gossip.

Sometimes I'm very adept at just letting things just roll off my back- like water on the back of a duck?

But lately, I just feel like everything has been running over into everything else. My friendships and my work life and my faith and my family- they're all intertwined.

If something is going bad in one, then I'm for sure not going to be as happy in the others.

Or vice versa.

I've always wanted to know if there was a way to just not let situations control my emotions as much.

Is there a way I can just not care?

That's what it seems like I'd need to do.

{I know, some of you are just thinking "give it up and give it God. He'll help"}

I know that line.

I've told people that line.

Not that it's not true. But sometimes, I get sick of the cliche' lines and the answers that I've gotten since I can remember.

I wish there was something else I could do.

Cause, no offense, God doesn't always deal with it how I'd like Him to.

I wish it was something like- "if you make sure to always do a cartwheel after every interaction with people, you will have control over the situation."

But that's what I ultimately want, right?

It's not even about the emotions.

I just want the control.

It's not about wishing I could handle situations with more grace or simply have a grasp on my emotions.

It's the control.

I don't like feeling out of control in my own life.

But feeling in control in my life is worse than feeling out of control- because then I'm very very mistaken.

So maybe... letting my life be out of control is the best.

Cause I'm never going to control anything. Emotions. Relationships. Situations.

{Here's to living an out of control life}

To Remembering...

Because it's oh-so-easy to forget.

I don't know why this seems to be sticking with me right now. Maybe it's the book I'm reading- Kiss by Ted Dekker and some other author (I'll look it up later). A girl looses her memory and is torn between trying to figure out her past at all costs or just looking forward. And the message (so far) seems to be that your history is important.

{it's a good book, maybe not my favorite of Ted Dekker's but it gives you enough of an idea where it's taking you but not enough where you can have a logical guess--- interesting but also somewhat infuriating}

Anyways, point being, I feel like I forget things so easily. Good things. Bad things.

Things that have made me who I am and brought me to where I am today.

My best friend when I was 3.

My decision to stick with Spanish throughout school.

My intensely shy period.

The time I decided a guy was worth breaking some rules for.

My hippie time period.

That time I let myself not care about anything.

The days I felt like crying constantly.

My time with different groups of friends.

My art stage.

Why is it so easy to forget?

And why do some people push us to forget?

So much of this world seems to say "the past is in the past, it doesn't affect me."

I agree with the first part.

The past is obviously in the past.

(it'd be trippy if it was in the future)

But it does affect me.

It has had a hand in molding me into who I am today.

Good or bad.

{There are many verses where God commands the Israelites to set up monuments or days of remembrance so that they would do just that- remember. A fight God won for them. A time they turned away.}

Now if I can only remember to remember...

Of The End Of The Lesson

There's that saying: what you find annoying in others is often found in you.

Or something along those lines.

I feel like the walking lesson of that saying. Especially lately, when I've found myself frustrated or annoyed with a specific habit, God seems to just remind me of when I do that thing myself.

(Those are the moments when I want to say- "Really, God?" and then I look down and laugh, so grateful that He has a sense of humor)

Just this evening, I've been mulling over my future. What it might be. Where I might go.

I can't deny that missions will probably be in my future.

It always comes up.

The thought of going out on the field again gets me so excited.

And then I'm not excited.

Without dragging my past out again and boring with the details, let's just say that the past trip I was on was very hard. Lot's of ups and downs. Decisions I wish I could change. Things I wish I could take back.

(This also brings my "live without regrets" mantra into the picture... but I'll deal with it in another time, another place)

"Do you feel like you can't be a missionary again?"

This question was asked by a family member. I was surprised when they asked, more surprised when I realized that my answer was "yes."

There is a part of me that feels like I can't be a missionary again.

Most of that is due to some lingering guilt, frustration, shame, fear.

I think that I am afraid that no missionary is better than a missionary that might mess up, that isn't perfect.

But I know that isn't true. I KNOW that isn't true.

Why can't I shake this fear of trying then?

(I promise, the beginning part of this entry will make sense)

You see, I've always been an advocate of letting your past be in your past.

EVERYONE HAS ONE.

There's nothing you can do about it except for learn and move on.

And the best part, allow God to use those epic, horrible mess-ups to help someone else. To connect. To show His redeeming love.

I've run across a couple of people in my life who had a hard time leaving their past behind them. It felt like they were constantly carrying this cross around on their back, doing penance for whatever sin they had committed.

I'm trying to think of the simplest, most straight forward way to explain what I told them.

Fine, I'll just try.

Here:

By constantly beating themselves down, defining themselves by their sin and not letting go of it, it was as if they were saying that they couldn't be saved. They couldn't be forgiven. Their sin was THAT bad (in their eyes).

Which meant that they didn't see God's grace as enough for them.

God wasn't enough for them.

Only they could save themselves. Obviously they were much more righteous than everyone else in the world since THEIR sin couldn't be forgiven.

(I said it a little nicer than that)

But do you see what I mean?

I'm not saying that everyone who has some horrible sin that is hard to let go of has a huge pride issue or something. It's when we don't feel like God is the ultimate authority.

He is what matters.

No one else.

So looping back to the beginning, I realized today that someone could say the same thing that I've said: Who am I to decide whether or not I am forgiven? (basically)

I've been told my sin is as far as the east is from the west.

That's eternity.

{Now does this mean my sin and decisions don't have consequences? Not at all.}

But it does mean that I don't have to live my life in fear of humans and what they think of me.

Because in the end, this is all going away.

In the end, there is a new beginning.

{And now that I've "finished" this lesson, I can start on the next}

Of A Correct Response...

I started writing this blog and then had to erase it because I quickly figured out that what I was venting about, what I was looking for the right response to --- well, I was somewhat starting to act the same way.

I just hope that everyone realizes that everyone has "off" days.

Everyone.

We just need to give each other grace.

I know it's easy for me to run back to how I used to handle conflict --- I'm NOT good at handling it. I usually don't approach it at all. So for me, maybe that means I do handle it and deal with it.

BUT --- no matter how we handle tough situations, we really need to just give each other a break.

That's my two cents today. Maybe they're somewhat jumbled and don't flow. But it is what it is. Grace.

Above all, love.

Of No More Wasted Emotions

I think I've finally come to a place where I can look and say "No."

No more. No more frustration over you and what you won't do.

{Interesting that this came close to my other blog, about forgiving myself. I guess healing and self analysis come hand-in-hand.}

While talking a situation over with a friend, this wise person told me that "he is not worth the time and energy that I was giving him." She was right.

Why do we let ourselves get wrapped up in one thing? As girls, I think it's easy to latch onto a guy, thinking that he's our last chance. There won't be another one.

It's not true.

I like to watch TV shows {crime shows are my favorite} and there was one episode of a show, I don't remember what, where a woman is agonizing over the thought of having lost her one chance at love. That it wouldn't come around agian.

Her friend pointed out that love comes around all the time.

And, as the case usually is, it always hits us when we're least expecting it.

For me, it usually hits when I least want it.

Not neccessarily "love," but that one person steps into your life and, for that time, you wonder how you ever fully lived without them.

I think it's easy to get wrapped up in what once was or what could be. There have been so many times that I've looked a guy and thought "it could never get better than this. I will never find anyone who gets me like this again."

I grew up believing in soul-mates.

Now, I think that, if two people love each other enough, they will make it work out. They will stay together no matter what.

I guess what I'm saying- no more wasted energy and emotion on what once was or what could be.

It's life. We just have to live.

Our hand in our Father's. Ultimately, it's His love that matters anyway.

Of Forgiving Myself

There has to be a time when you just let things go- when you leave them in the past, where they belong.

When is the right time? Is it something that someone else has to tell you? Or something you figure out yourself?

I never know what the correct "grieving" or "punishment" time should be. Y'know, that time after you do something and have to ask God's forgiveness, other's forgiveness, and, ultimately, forgive yourself.

I always get caught on that last one.

I have the hardest time forgiving myself.

Not to put any blame on others- but it doesn't help when I'm working on forgiving myself, placing the situation in my past, and someone brings it up again. Throws it in my face.

Doesn't help at all.

I've learned from past experiences that time really helps with wounds. There are situations I'm able to look at or talk about now (even with a little humor), that at the time, I thought it was the end of the world.

Only time will tell if I've really forgiven myself.
I know God has forgiven me- I've never doubted that.

A story I like (forgot where I heard it) is of a priest who commited a sin when he was younger (who hasn't?) He continually confesses it but never forgets it. Never feels forgiven. A women in her congregation comes to him one day, claiming she talks to God. And He talks back. The priest told her, if that was so, to ask God what was the sin that the priest commited when he was younger. The woman left and a few days later, she came back. He asked if she had talked to God- she responded "yes". He then asked if God told her what his sin was. She said she did. God's response to her question?

"I don't remember."

I know that is God's true response. Who knows if the story is true or not. The "moral" of the story is true. God doesn't have a book that he's keeping a list of our sins in. He's forgets them. Never to be thought of again.

I'm gonna skip over talking about people forgiving each other- we're all human and fall short of what God had imagined for us.

As for myself- I think I've beaten myself up enough. I have the love of my family and close friends. I've been forgiven by the Almighty God. I have to do this at some point...

So.

I think I'm ready to let go of this situation. Leave it alone.

Time to move on.