thru Stream of Consciousness

do i continue to get myself into situations knowing full well what i'm getting myself into?

or am i really trying to do what i tell people, "not look, just stay open"

i hope it's the latter

but sometimes

...

i'd rather not have anything

cause getting close to anyone and actually letting them see anything vulnerable about me

just brings up the past

i know i'm not the only person out there with a past or even a past that has some hard points

i don't wave that as a "wounded" flag

but it does make me who i am

and who am i anyway?

what am i doing?

why am i still here?

and why don't i have any desire to leave?

why do i have a feeling of impending doom half of the time?

why do i wish the world would end?

where did this ABSOLUTE LOVE of dancing come from?

i've always seen my brother follow after my mother and my sister follow after my father.

not in a bad way, but i've always felt i don't fit.

i feel like i've dabbled in both of those areas (writing and the medical field respectively)

and i CAN kinda get into them

but i need MORE

more creativity and challenge

i know, what's more creative than making up stories and people?

or more challenging than figuring what the issue with someone's body, why it's acting the way it is?

it's just not for me

i have to be fluid

flow

touch people

feed off of their energy

allow their passion to fuel mine

i've felt like i've never known what a passion of mine is

i know one now

dancing

i love it

i wish i could find someone who would go dancing with me

(a guy preferably, dancing with another girl is only slightly "funny" entertaining and only for one time)

but to find someone who ADORES it as much as i do

who i could intertwine with on the dance floor

the music being the only thing driving us

...

i've had that only a few times

it's like being in a dream

and i can't wipe the smile off my face after it

(and i'm definitely talking of legitimate dancing, not just club dancing)

and what sucks is when you find someone who can actually dance

and he's a totally sketchy guy

so many guys my age don't even care to learn

sometimes i wonder if i'm handicapping myself

if i'm intentionally, altho maybe unknowingly, sabotaging things in my life

cause failure is scary

life, truly living life, is scary

and what if i try

and nothing changes?

or i end up farther behind then where i started in the first place?

and why do i give others so much more grace than i give myself?

i think of the things that i beat myself up about

and if anybody were to tell me the exact same thing

i would tell them, there's nothing that they can do to lose HIS love

but that would be a line

(even if it's true)

and i HATE lines

i have grown to dislike lines so much

the lines we get/ give on religion

("it's not a religion, it's a relationship")

the lines we get/ give on relationships

("well, if he doesn't call you back, he's the one losing out")

the lines on life in general

("don't worry, you'll look back on this and it won't be that big of a deal)

just so sick of them

of a Quick Rant

{because i can}

{because it's my blog}

i'm tired of always being the "bigger person"

trying to take the high road while the other person acts like a child

that is all

thank you

In Translation

i greatly apologize to the male population

because

it's true

women rarely say what we mean

or even what we want to say

i'm going to try to explain some of the ways i think

when we gloat all the time about being right

we are secretly hoping that you will prove us wrong

when we state that there is no use in fighting

we're begging you to fight, to try

when we state that there is no point, our mind is made up

we want you to change it

when we claim to be over it

we're probably not over it 

(if we were, there would be no reason to have to say it)

when we say we "had an ok day" when you ask how it was

we really mean we don't want to freak you out by telling you

that we got in a fight with a friend and then had to go to work and then got yelled about by a customer, then our car wouldn't start and had to be towed and we ended up hearing from our ex who is still an immature jerk and we just want to cry plus we missed our favorite show due to the car situation

when we seem indifferent or distant for no apparent reason

we're scared

but most importantly

when we don't say what we mean

we are really just looking for that guy who will try to understand and will eventually cause us to trust him enough to tell him exactly what we mean

of a Fortune

"you are headed in the right direction"

~

~

~

oh really?

i'm head in the right direction, oh wise Chinese fortune cookie?

i'm so glad you are wiser than i

'cause

i didn't know that running around feeling like a chicken with my head cut off was a direction

at least that's how i feel

it'd be nice to be going the right direction

or even to be kinda meandering in the realm of the right direction

but i guess that's why i have this reminder with me

"not all who wander are lost"

that's probably what i need to be remembering

not some piece of paper that came in a tasteless container that is heralded as a cookie

{altho, the Chinese was a nice pick-me-up to the day}

of Running Away...

but i won't

it doesn't change anything

maybe i'll just escape for tonight tho

maybe just tonight i'll get away

i'll just hop in my car and drive

or simply lock myself in my apartment

either way, i'm getting away

of the Next Step

do i stick to what i know?

do i runaway?

or do i try to stick this one out?

do i listen to that small voice that says

"just cause this is different, not what you expected, doesn't mean this isn't what you need"

do i leave?

let the frustration take over and stomp away?

is this even worth it?

is it supposed to be this unpredictable and seemingly impossible?

of My True Cynic

how am i a cynic you might ask

well, when you automatically assume the worst possible outcome

and tell yourself it'd be for the best

i think that could be it

see, it's easier this way

{i'm never disappointed}

cause if the worst possible outcome happens

i can't be let down

cause i was already expecting it

and i guess if i'm proven wrong

than it means it has to be better

{but that's not why i'm a cynic}

i'm a cynic cause it's how i've taught myself to be

people can't hurt you if you're already expecting to be hurt

you can't really let people in if you don't fully trust them

some people don't understand cynics

they think we're all bitter

they might be right

but after getting hurt by people and watching people i care about get hurt

i can't help but think that some people are just too trusting

maybe i'm making up for all the people who have their hearts open

personally, i'd rather see something coming

-the something that tears your heart out-

i'd rather have already thought it through and know how i'm going to respond

{but}

there is that small voice inside that just wishes someone would come along to get rid of this cynic inside of me

i don't know if there's someone out there that can

it will be hard to get rid of

it's been a part of me for a long time

{but maybe}