Wednesday, September 15, 2010

thru Stream of Consciousness

do i continue to get myself into situations knowing full well what i'm getting myself into?
or am i really trying to do what i tell people, "not look, just stay open"
i hope it's the latter
but sometimes
i'd rather not have anything
cause getting close to anyone and actually letting them see anything vulnerable about me
just brings up the past
i know i'm not the only person out there with a past or even a past that has some hard points
i don't wave that as a "wounded" flag
but it does make me who i am
and who am i anyway?
what am i doing?
why am i still here?
and why don't i have any desire to leave?
why do i have a feeling of impending doom half of the time?
why do i wish the world would end?
where did this ABSOLUTE LOVE of dancing come from?
i've always seen my brother follow after my mother and my sister follow after my father.
not in a bad way, but i've always felt i don't fit.
i feel like i've dabbled in both of those areas (writing and the medical field respectively)
and i CAN kinda get into them
but i need MORE
more creativity and challenge
i know, what's more creative than making up stories and people?
or more challenging than figuring what the issue with someone's body, why it's acting the way it is?
it's just not for me
i have to be fluid
touch people
feed off of their energy
allow their passion to fuel mine
i've felt like i've never known what a passion of mine is
i know one now
i love it
i wish i could find someone who would go dancing with me
(a guy preferably, dancing with another girl is only slightly "funny" entertaining and only for one time)
but to find someone who ADORES it as much as i do
who i could intertwine with on the dance floor
the music being the only thing driving us
i've had that only a few times
it's like being in a dream
and i can't wipe the smile off my face after it
(and i'm definitely talking of legitimate dancing, not just club dancing)
and what sucks is when you find someone who can actually dance
and he's a totally sketchy guy
so many guys my age don't even care to learn
sometimes i wonder if i'm handicapping myself
if i'm intentionally, altho maybe unknowingly, sabotaging things in my life
cause failure is scary
life, truly living life, is scary
and what if i try
and nothing changes?
or i end up farther behind then where i started in the first place?
and why do i give others so much more grace than i give myself?
i think of the things that i beat myself up about
and if anybody were to tell me the exact same thing
i would tell them, there's nothing that they can do to lose HIS love
but that would be a line
(even if it's true)
and i HATE lines
i have grown to dislike lines so much
the lines we get/ give on religion
("it's not a religion, it's a relationship")
the lines we get/ give on relationships
("well, if he doesn't call you back, he's the one losing out")
the lines on life in general
("don't worry, you'll look back on this and it won't be that big of a deal)
just so sick of them