Saturday, December 25, 2010

of Professional Thanks

looking back at this time last year
i can't help but think of all the lessons i've learned and the "teachers" who guided me through them

~so humor me as I thank the gentlemen who have taught me so much this year~

to the girl: thank you for teaching me that i'm not called to always be the bigger person in the relationship. and that grace, while needed in relationships, should not be an excuse for continuing stupidity.

to the wonder boy: thank you for teaching me a relationship always needs more than a spark.
[in all fairness, he doesn't belong in this list with the other professors, he's actually been a steady friend after everything settled down]

to 5 days: thank you for teaching me that listening to my heart is not a sin, even when the outcome isn't easy. and that even the most unassuming, sweet, adoring guy has his jerk moments.

to the pirate: thanks for the lesson to not take moments for granted. they're here today and gone tomorrow. (and the lesson that you dissapearing makes it awkward {for you} when we run into each other 6 months later- fyi, i found it humorous)


to the 12 y/o: thank you for teaching me that age does equal maturity.

 

to the great communicator: thank you for the lesson that a text at 1 am does not constitute a relationship. and that I need to make sure I make decisions for myself, not my family, friends or, heaven forbid, you.

and lastly, to the player: thank you for proving me right. for teaching me that I'm stronger than I think. For teaching me that I deserve better. and for teaching and reminding me that, always, "actions speak louder than words."

the unfortunate thing is that the teacher usually thinks they have nothing to learn
{but that's their loss}

to all my teachers in this past year
thank you for the lessons
*
*
but don't take it personally if i don't suggest your "classes" or retake them
*
*
it's just that
when i look back on what i learned
it all seems relatively
:well:
elementary
maybe you'll move on to teaching lessons that involve more finesse
however, you can only teach what you know


and i think i'm ready to move on to lessons that are slightly more sophisticated
-aka: it takes longer than a couple of weeks to learn everything you have to teach-

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

thru Stream of Consciousness

do i continue to get myself into situations knowing full well what i'm getting myself into?
or am i really trying to do what i tell people, "not look, just stay open"
i hope it's the latter
but sometimes
...
i'd rather not have anything
cause getting close to anyone and actually letting them see anything vulnerable about me
just brings up the past
i know i'm not the only person out there with a past or even a past that has some hard points
i don't wave that as a "wounded" flag
but it does make me who i am
and who am i anyway?
what am i doing?
why am i still here?
and why don't i have any desire to leave?
why do i have a feeling of impending doom half of the time?
why do i wish the world would end?
where did this ABSOLUTE LOVE of dancing come from?
i've always seen my brother follow after my mother and my sister follow after my father.
not in a bad way, but i've always felt i don't fit.
i feel like i've dabbled in both of those areas (writing and the medical field respectively)
and i CAN kinda get into them
but i need MORE
more creativity and challenge
i know, what's more creative than making up stories and people?
or more challenging than figuring what the issue with someone's body, why it's acting the way it is?
it's just not for me
i have to be fluid
flow
touch people
feed off of their energy
allow their passion to fuel mine
i've felt like i've never known what a passion of mine is
i know one now
dancing
i love it
i wish i could find someone who would go dancing with me
(a guy preferably, dancing with another girl is only slightly "funny" entertaining and only for one time)
but to find someone who ADORES it as much as i do
who i could intertwine with on the dance floor
the music being the only thing driving us
...
i've had that only a few times
it's like being in a dream
and i can't wipe the smile off my face after it
(and i'm definitely talking of legitimate dancing, not just club dancing)
and what sucks is when you find someone who can actually dance
and he's a totally sketchy guy
so many guys my age don't even care to learn
sometimes i wonder if i'm handicapping myself
if i'm intentionally, altho maybe unknowingly, sabotaging things in my life
cause failure is scary
life, truly living life, is scary
and what if i try
and nothing changes?
or i end up farther behind then where i started in the first place?
and why do i give others so much more grace than i give myself?
i think of the things that i beat myself up about
and if anybody were to tell me the exact same thing
i would tell them, there's nothing that they can do to lose HIS love
but that would be a line
(even if it's true)
and i HATE lines
i have grown to dislike lines so much
the lines we get/ give on religion
("it's not a religion, it's a relationship")
the lines we get/ give on relationships
("well, if he doesn't call you back, he's the one losing out")
the lines on life in general
("don't worry, you'll look back on this and it won't be that big of a deal)
just so sick of them

Monday, August 30, 2010

of a Quick Rant

{because i can}
{because it's my blog}

i'm tired of always being the "bigger person"
trying to take the high road while the other person acts like a child

that is all
thank you

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

In Translation

i greatly apologize to the male population
because
it's true
women rarely say what we mean
or even what we want to say

i'm going to try to explain some of the ways i think

when we gloat all the time about being right
we are secretly hoping that you will prove us wrong

when we state that there is no use in fighting
we're begging you to fight, to try

when we state that there is no point, our mind is made up
we want you to change it

when we claim to be over it
we're probably not over it 
(if we were, there would be no reason to have to say it)

when we say we "had an ok day" when you ask how it was
we really mean we don't want to freak you out by telling you
that we got in a fight with a friend and then had to go to work and then got yelled about by a customer, then our car wouldn't start and had to be towed and we ended up hearing from our ex who is still an immature jerk and we just want to cry plus we missed our favorite show due to the car situation

when we seem indifferent or distant for no apparent reason
we're scared

but most importantly

when we don't say what we mean
we are really just looking for that guy who will try to understand and will eventually cause us to trust him enough to tell him exactly what we mean

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

of a Fortune

"you are headed in the right direction"
~
~
~
oh really?
i'm head in the right direction, oh wise Chinese fortune cookie?
i'm so glad you are wiser than i
'cause
i didn't know that running around feeling like a chicken with my head cut off was a direction

at least that's how i feel

it'd be nice to be going the right direction
or even to be kinda meandering in the realm of the right direction

but i guess that's why i have this reminder with me
"not all who wander are lost"

that's probably what i need to be remembering

not some piece of paper that came in a tasteless container that is heralded as a cookie

{altho, the Chinese was a nice pick-me-up to the day}

of Running Away...

but i won't

it doesn't change anything

maybe i'll just escape for tonight tho

maybe just tonight i'll get away

i'll just hop in my car and drive

or simply lock myself in my apartment

either way, i'm getting away

Saturday, July 17, 2010

of the Next Step

do i stick to what i know?
do i runaway?

or do i try to stick this one out?
do i listen to that small voice that says
"just cause this is different, not what you expected, doesn't mean this isn't what you need"

do i leave?
let the frustration take over and stomp away?

is this even worth it?
is it supposed to be this unpredictable and seemingly impossible?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

of My True Cynic

how am i a cynic you might ask
well, when you automatically assume the worst possible outcome
and tell yourself it'd be for the best

i think that could be it

see, it's easier this way

{i'm never disappointed}

cause if the worst possible outcome happens
i can't be let down
cause i was already expecting it

and i guess if i'm proven wrong
than it means it has to be better

{but that's not why i'm a cynic}

i'm a cynic cause it's how i've taught myself to be
people can't hurt you if you're already expecting to be hurt
you can't really let people in if you don't fully trust them

some people don't understand cynics
they think we're all bitter

they might be right

but after getting hurt by people and watching people i care about get hurt
i can't help but think that some people are just too trusting

maybe i'm making up for all the people who have their hearts open

personally, i'd rather see something coming
-the something that tears your heart out-
i'd rather have already thought it through and know how i'm going to respond

{but}

there is that small voice inside that just wishes someone would come along to get rid of this cynic inside of me

i don't know if there's someone out there that can
it will be hard to get rid of
it's been a part of me for a long time

{but maybe}

of Balance

up and down
round and round

my life feels like a song

a very typical "i can't help my emotions right now" song

and to be honest i'm getting sick of the tune

it's not the emotions i mind

it's the confusion that accompanies them

and the fear

the constant questioning

why does there always have to be a down to the up
why does the to always come with a fro
why can't it be constant

i know that it will always be like this
in every situation

life is never the same
one moment is not like the next
today not like tomorrow

i simply need to remember the things in life that won't ever change

the love of family and friends
the love of God
the fact that i will never understand everything

i just need to rest in the moment right now
because that's all that i'm living

and in the now there can {usually} only be one feeling
i'll deal with the one i've got at the moment
and deal with the others when they come

dealing with everything at once is never wise
it only makes it that much more complicated

{peace}

Monday, June 28, 2010

of the Outcome

is it fair to even walk into a situation that i feel like i know the outcome?
if i'm already thinking i'm going to be disappointed, what's the point?

maybe it's the part of me that wants to be proven wrong.

i want to be wrong.

and if i'm proven right... am i allowed to still feel sadness in the disappointment?
i walked into it, eyes wide open.
probably seeing more of the situation, knowing more, than i think i do.

and will i be forced to come to terms about who i am?
{because}
even though dear friends have assured me it's not just me
i seem to be the common denominator in these fun situations.

yet i keep myself open, the real fear being that one day i'll stop having an open mind.
heart.
love.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

of Lessons Learned

i've learned that it doesn't matter how much people talk about doing right by their fellow man, compassion and good deeds- when push comes to shove, we choose ourselves over them.
me included.

i've learned that just because something seems too good to be true doesn't mean it is.
but it might mean that i'm not seeing the situation clearly.

i've learned that it's easy to get lost in our own lives and be blinded to others.
and it happens everyday.

i've learned people are just people.
they aren't a fix to our problems.
or the missing link.
just people.

i've learned the best and worst thing is to be alone.
and that i'm never really alone.

i've learned how to forgive, forget, fight, free fall, and flee.
all in five minutes.

i've learned i'm the perfect example of "do as i say and not as i do."
and i don't know that i'll ever grow out of that.

i've learned to put someone else in my place and think about what i'd tell them.
most of the time i don't like what i have to say.
but at least i'm not lying to myself.

i've learned that all it takes is one harsh word to ruin a day.
but just one smile from a stranger to bring out the sun again.

i've learned that if i don't say what needs to be said, there's no guarantee that someone else will.
and yet sometimes i still stay quiet.

i've learned i can't measure people by my experiences.
it's just not fair.

i've learned that some relationships are for forever.
some are for a time.
some are for a moment.

i've learned that everyone needs grace.
myself included.


i've learned that most people say they want the truth.
but 99% of them don't actually want it.
i'm not one of those.
i'll take the hard truth over a soft lie any day.

i've learned to not be afraid to say what i feel.
but also grown aware that not everyone deserves to know.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

(Enough and Then Some- From Nica Blog)

"You're going to carry this thing around with you everywhere. You're going to eat with it, sleep with it, do ministry with it..."
On Tuesday in class, I looked at Charles Kaye with an astounded look on my face. REALLY? Sleep with a backpack filled with 4 rocks larger than my fist? I thought maybe he was joking at first... but no. So from Tuesday til Friday, these backpacks became our constant companions. We had them with us when we woke up til we went to sleep. Some of my teammates teach a couple of soccer teams down here as a ministry and they had to go to soccer practice with rocks on their backs. A couple of our ministries down here are with children and we had to chase them and play them with uncomfortable backpacks on. It became normal to walk into our kitchen and see everyone sitting around with backpacks, looking like they were planning to go somewhere. The first day especially we all caught ourselves asking each other "Where are you going?" when the person simply walked past us with their backpack on. It really frustrated us at first. However, after awhile, I'll admit that the backpack became more comfortable, more easy to work with, less annoying. And that was what hit me the most about the exercise:
Sin, when it first enters your life, is uncomfortable. You struggle with it alot, it's always on your mind, it seems to be this weight that just buries you. However, as time goes on, if that sin isn't dealt with and gotten rid of, it will become more and more a part of your life. You will find a way to make it comfortable, to make it not as bothersome. And that's the problem- when the sin becomes comfortable. And I know that the sins I had in my backpack, the ones I had been carrying around for 4 days were those sins that I had let become comfortable in my life. It made me stop and think about each of those sins and really wonder why they were in my life in the first place. We found that sins come back to a lack of trust in God. We don't really trust Him to take care of us, even though He promises to in the Bible. (Actually, one of my rocks was "trust". I knew that I struggle with trusting people and so to realize that it is the root of most sins was interesting.)
So we're lugging these rocks around for 4 days. And there were times where we got really frustrated, annoyed and even mad about it. But in the end it was totally worth it. On Friday in class, Charles told us that we could give up these sins whenever we felt we had dealt with them. Whenever we felt it was time. During the last song, I took my backpack off and then once the song was over we all went outside and got rid of the rocks however we wanted to. I threw mine down an old well that has a cover over it- it would be impossible for me to go get those rocks now and that's how I feel about my sin. Not that I'll never struggle with them again, simply that I refuse to let them control me. And again, I was reminded that God's grace is enough and then some :-)
(written 11/23/2008)

(Screwtape Letters- from Nica Blog)

I've been reading through C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, which is a book of letters that a demon writes to his nephew. The uncle (Screwtape) is giving his nephew (Wormwood) tips on how to tempt a human and explaining to him why some forms of temptation are better and helping him with situations that come up with his "hairless biped." It's been interesting to see temptation from a different point of view- instead of always on the defensive side and just knowing we need to resist it, it shows how the mind of a demon (might) work and the possible reasoning behind the temptation.
In chapter 13, a situation arises that causes Screwtape to give Wormwood this advice-"It remains to be seen how we can retrieve this disaster. The great thing is to prevent his [meaning the human] doing anything. As long as he does not convert it into any action, it does not matter how much he thinks about this new repentance...(more of the quote to be added here) AS one of the humans has said, active habits are strengthened by repetition but passive ones are weakened. The more often he feels without acting, the less he will be able to ever act, and, in the long run, the less he will be able to feel."(pg61)
It's interesting that he would not tell his nephew to simply distract the man from thinking about this feeling. Rather, he tells him to let him think about it (a lot) and if the man so desires to even write a book. All he says is to not let the man actually act on that feeling- and in the end he will simply stop feeling.
The reality is that this is brilliant. It's simple logic and is easy to do. {EXAMPLE TIME}It's like in working out- you can think about it all the time, even talk to people about your desire to do it or the positive aspects of it. But unless you get up off your bum and actually go out and do it... what good does it do? Just talking about something or even thinking about it and how great it is doesn't do diddly squat to actually doing something about it. (This example came to mind pretty easily cause it's one that occurs in my life) And the reality is that the longer we just think about it and don't do anything, we'll start telling ourselves that there's no point in starting because "we won't follow thru" or "that's just how I am."
Also, Screwtape states the fact that "active habits are strengthened... but passive ones are weakened." When I first read this, I thought it meant that the more you do a habit the stronger that habit and vice versa (the less you do a habit the weaker it is). But the more I look at it, I see that it doesn't make a difference depending on repetition or a lack of repetition. It says, as an active habit is repeated, it is strengthened; yet, as a passive habit is repeated, it is weakened. I would see active and passive habits as just that- a habit that you actively do and a habit that you passively do. It's easy to figure out what an active habit would be- like running or writing or reading or smoking. You have to actively participate in the habit and over time it will become a stronger habit. Now the passive one is where it gets a little fuzzy (at least for me). So bear with me as I try to make a bridge-
One of the things that comes to mind is being passive aggressive (which is what I happen to be). It's not one of my better traits. Take the example of my parents telling me to pick up my room. They would tell me time and time again to pick up my room and it's not that I would put up a huge fight about it; I would just calmly NOT do it. Or in a fight, I would sit there quietly, not really saying a lot and then at one point put in a slight jab (very calmly) and know that the fight would start up again. With being passive, until someone points it out in you, you don't even realize it is an aspect of your personality. (There are other ways you can interpret active and passive actions- if you have any ideas please let me know :-)
I'm gonna wrap this blog up since it's getting pretty long. These are just my thoughts and I'm sure more will come from this book (I suggest everybody reads it).
(written 1/15/2009)

(My Confession- from my Nicaragua blog)

So... I don't know if you know, but we're not really supposed to get into a relationship during this trip. And I'll admit, that's pretty good advice- it takes your attention from the trip and the reason for being down here, which is God. But, I have a confession- I'm in love. (for those that don't like love stories, maybe stop here cause it'll probably get a little mushy)
Here's the story:
Now our relationship has been a difficult one... He has been pursuing me for awhile. At first, I was na├»ve and thought "Not me. I'm not that great. Other girls sure... but me? Makes no sense." Then, once I realized that He was serious about pursuing and started telling me how much I meant to Him, I got swept away as most girls are when first pursued and desired. But then, after I began to believe that this amazing love was for me, I began to wonder what His intentions were. Why me? What did He want from me? Whenever I asked Him all He would say is"I want you. All of you. Your past, your future. Your hurts, your joys, your desires. I want you to want me. I want your entire heart." Now, when someone tells you they want your heart, there's a choice. You can either give it to them or not. And at first, I wanted to just be in a partial relationship- sometimes those relationships are called "friendships with benefits"; like, I could go to Him when I needed comfort or maybe if He needed me for something, I could be there for Him. But I was really iffy about giving Him my heart.  It's something that is so precious and so easily broken. However, all He kept saying was "Trust me." [which is a struggle for me] He continued to bring it up to me and ask me, slowly and deliberately how much of myself I would give Him. I would try to avoid the question at first, cause I knew that my answer would disappoint. And I knew each time I couldn't say "Yes" to Him, I hurt Him a little more. But His love was evident in the fact that He continued to pursue me... when others would have stopped. His obvious love and desire for me- this warrior Prince- finally captured me. I've finally realized that I have no reason to doubt Him. He's always been trustworthy, I've never felt alone, and His love for me is evident. And I am head-over-heels in love. And I don't care who knows.
For those of you that might not have caught on, I'm talking about God. Don't worry, I'm not breaking the rules ;-)
So that basically concludes my story. Ummm...ya
The End
(written 1/26/2009)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Of The Ascent or Descent...

So many people make a big deal about "the climb."
the trek up a mountain, the figurative conquering of a feat/trial/hardship.

But is the ascent of the mountain really the hard part?
or could the descent be just as, if not more, difficult?
yes, the climb up to the top of the mountain is draining.
heck- it's feels downright impossible sometimes.
But, when you get to the top, when you overcome that trial--- there's no feeling like it in the world.
You feel lighter, wiser, like you've never felt before.
You see things you've never seen before, overlooking your past and your future in one fell swoop.
You never want to come down from that place.
But you must.
Everyone does.
And the descent from that high place, that place of freedom and invincibility, is painful.
You know where you're headed.
You were there before.
Who wants to return there?
But we all do.
Usually faster than when we trekked up the mountain.
It's hard to resist going back to what's comfortable, the ease of life.
We head down, our backs to the place we worked so hard to rise to.
We give up the view, the lessons we learned, forgetting so easily.
Our legs seem to stumble over themselves to get to the bottom.
In that descent, we seem to lose more than what we had gained.
We do come back with wisdom, knowledge, a feeling of accomplishment that we "made it."
Yet we left that place.
We must come down from that place but partly we choose it.
Because who can stay up in the clouds for forever?
After time it becomes overwhelming- we can't handle it.
And we must come down.
And knowing what we've left behind on that mountain top but yet still rushing back to earth, to the level ground--- that's the hardest part.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

To Open My Eyes

I hate it when you get to a realization that you've actually known for awhile.
You just didn't want to admit it.

Me?
I constantly moan and groan (as most girls do) about my body.
I complain about how I don't feel good about it and I wish I could get it in shape.
{but it's not a real puzzlement why it's not doing what I'd like, not with the daily Starbucks frappucinos, ice cream binges, candy jar raids}

It's not that I want to be Barbie.
We all know that's unrealistic.
Nor do I want to be a size 2.
That, for me, would only happen if I became anorexic or bulimic.

I have hips. I have a butt. I like them.
But I do want to be in shape and feel comfortable in my body.

However, I continue to make excuses whenever I drive through Starbucks or reach for another bowl of icecream.
{Apparently I think that all the Starbucks, icecream and every sweet thing will disappear tomorrow and I must eat as much of it as I can}

My friend, Jenn's, favorite line that I say is "the reality of the situation is..."
I think I shall use it
the reality of my situation is that
I KNOW what I need to do.
It's just not as fun.

This world is not a good teacher in the lesson of delayed gratification.
We want, what we want, now.
And we usually get it.
I need to start denying myself.
Because I know that it isn't helping me.
I don't come away from eating three bowls of ice cream feeling better.
I don't look back on alot of my eating decisions saying, "yes, that was healthy and was good for my body."
{more like, "i'm so sorry body, please forgive me"}

and Starbucks?
Yes, it's yummy.
but the cons definitely outweigh the pros.
Cons:
Money (my drink is basically $5- you do the math)
usually out of my way to get it
ALL sugar
probably am slightly addicted to it at this point
{plus, now i'm known by name at a starbucks- not really a good thing}

Pros:
yummy

Wow.
and I've known this for awhile.
Sometimes I need to just write these things down.
Then they stick more.

Basically, I know that the eating habits I have suck.
They don't help my body and they don't help my mood.
And my body is a temple, I shouldn't be filling it with junk, because then I don't have the energy to do what I need to do- whatever God calls me to at the moment.

I need to open my eyes and see myself how God and other's around me see me.
And even if I don't believe it, I need to live up to it.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

{past writings brought out}

I came across a couple of things i wrote in the past year or so.
Sometimes just writing them for others to see helps.
there's no explanation with these- just words as i wrote them.

***
my fingers hold so tightly onto the box.
it is messy.
screwed up and a total wreck.
i made it quickly, without any plans or idea of what i was doing, simply knowing i wanted a box.
if i let someone else who knows how to fix it take it from my hands, it will be bettered.

But i don't know that i want that.

Because, even though it's messy and probably doesn't even look like a box, it's mine.
I made it.
And i have control.
But do i really want control over something that is useless?
something i'll end up looking at and regretting or wanting to destroy?
***

***
sometimes it gets lonely behind a wall. even if the wall has a door in it and people are able to go in and out, sometimes the people i want to talk to are the ones who were the reason i built the wall. But then, through the wall, i hear the taunts and the shouts and all they are saying... and i'm grateful for the wall again, Because they're not able to see how each look, or each word they throw at me actually hits me. I built the wall to make them think that they can't get to me, that i'm fine and don't care. But no wall is perfect. They have cracks, holes. I can still hear. The actual use of the wall is to hide me when the words actually pierce my heart and the looks make me want to cry... But they don't know that. All they see is the wall. The coldness and immobility - how i wish they see me. I can't be moved, emotionally or even physically. As sad or depressing as that thought is- it works for me. Because those few times i feel the words thru the wall, there are more times i have become like the wall.
i am unable to show emotion.
***

Monday, April 12, 2010

Of Not Being Controlled By Emotions

I know.
Some of you just laughed hysterically at the title, shook your head and said "oh, good luck."

Let's count all the things I have that make this statement a really, really seemingly impossible thing to obtain.

1. I'm female.

Yeah.
That's a good enough list don't you think?
(I thought so)

I am just so sick of having my days be roller coasters. It could be going so well and then one small thing: he does/ doesn't talk to you, your friend states something in just a certain way, a co-worker passes on a bit of "harmless" gossip.
Sometimes I'm very adept at just letting things just roll off my back- like water on the back of a duck?

But lately, I just feel like everything has been running over into everything else. My friendships and my work life and my faith and my family- they're all intertwined.
If something is going bad in one, then I'm for sure not going to be as happy in the others.

Or vice versa.

I've always wanted to know if there was a way to just not let situations control my emotions as much.
Is there a way I can just not care?
That's what it seems like I'd need to do.

{I know, some of you are just thinking "give it up and give it God. He'll help"}

I know that line.
I've told people that line.

Not that it's not true. But sometimes, I get sick of the cliche' lines and the answers that I've gotten since I can remember.

I wish there was something else I could do.
Cause, no offense, God doesn't always deal with it how I'd like Him to.
I wish it was something like- "if you make sure to always do a cartwheel after every interaction with people, you will have control over the situation."

But that's what I ultimately want, right?
It's not even about the emotions.

I just want the control.

It's not about wishing I could handle situations with more grace or simply have a grasp on my emotions.
It's the control.
I don't like feeling out of control in my own life.
But feeling in control in my life is worse than feeling out of control- because then I'm very very mistaken.

So maybe... letting my life be out of control is the best.
Cause I'm never going to control anything. Emotions. Relationships. Situations.

{Here's to living an out of control life}

Monday, January 11, 2010

To Remembering...

Because it's oh-so-easy to forget.

I don't know why this seems to be sticking with me right now. Maybe it's the book I'm reading- Kiss by Ted Dekker and some other author (I'll look it up later). A girl looses her memory and is torn between trying to figure out her past at all costs or just looking forward. And the message (so far) seems to be that your history is important.
{it's a good book, maybe not my favorite of Ted Dekker's but it gives you enough of an idea where it's taking you but not enough where you can have a logical guess--- interesting but also somewhat infuriating}

Anyways, point being, I feel like I forget things so easily. Good things. Bad things.
Things that have made me who I am and brought me to where I am today.
My best friend when I was 3.
My decision to stick with Spanish throughout school.
My intensely shy period.
The time I decided a guy was worth breaking some rules for.
My hippie time period.
That time I let myself not care about anything.
The days I felt like crying constantly.
My time with different groups of friends.
My art stage.

Why is it so easy to forget?
And why do some people push us to forget?
So much of this world seems to say "the past is in the past, it doesn't affect me."

I agree with the first part.

The past is obviously in the past.
(it'd be trippy if it was in the future)
But it does affect me.
It has had a hand in molding me into who I am today.
Good or bad.

{There are many verses where God commands the Israelites to set up monuments or days of remembrance so that they would do just that- remember. A fight God won for them. A time they turned away.}

Now if I can only remember to remember...