Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Of No More Wasted Emotions

I think I've finally come to a place where I can look and say "No."
No more. No more frustration over you and what you won't do.
{Interesting that this came close to my other blog, about forgiving myself. I guess healing and self analysis come hand-in-hand.}
While talking a situation over with a friend, this wise person told me that "he is not worth the time and energy that I was giving him." She was right.
Why do we let ourselves get wrapped up in one thing? As girls, I think it's easy to latch onto a guy, thinking that he's our last chance. There won't be another one.
It's not true.
I like to watch TV shows {crime shows are my favorite} and there was one episode of a show, I don't remember what, where a woman is agonizing over the thought of having lost her one chance at love. That it wouldn't come around agian.
Her friend pointed out that love comes around all the time.
And, as the case usually is, it always hits us when we're least expecting it.
For me, it usually hits when I least want it.
Not neccessarily "love," but that one person steps into your life and, for that time, you wonder how you ever fully lived without them.

I think it's easy to get wrapped up in what once was or what could be. There have been so many times that I've looked a guy and thought "it could never get better than this. I will never find anyone who gets me like this again."

I grew up believing in soul-mates.
Now, I think that, if two people love each other enough, they will make it work out. They will stay together no matter what.

I guess what I'm saying- no more wasted energy and emotion on what once was or what could be.
It's life. We just have to live.
Our hand in our Father's. Ultimately, it's His love that matters anyway.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Of Forgiving Myself

There has to be a time when you just let things go- when you leave them in the past, where they belong.
When is the right time? Is it something that someone else has to tell you? Or something you figure out yourself?
I never know what the correct "grieving" or "punishment" time should be. Y'know, that time after you do something and have to ask God's forgiveness, other's forgiveness, and, ultimately, forgive yourself.
I always get caught on that last one.
I have the hardest time forgiving myself.
Not to put any blame on others- but it doesn't help when I'm working on forgiving myself, placing the situation in my past, and someone brings it up again. Throws it in my face.
Doesn't help at all.

I've learned from past experiences that time really helps with wounds. There are situations I'm able to look at or talk about now (even with a little humor), that at the time, I thought it was the end of the world.
Only time will tell if I've really forgiven myself.
I know God has forgiven me- I've never doubted that.
A story I like (forgot where I heard it) is of a priest who commited a sin when he was younger (who hasn't?) He continually confesses it but never forgets it. Never feels forgiven. A women in her congregation comes to him one day, claiming she talks to God. And He talks back. The priest told her, if that was so, to ask God what was the sin that the priest commited when he was younger. The woman left and a few days later, she came back. He asked if she had talked to God- she responded "yes". He then asked if God told her what his sin was. She said she did. God's response to her question?
"I don't remember."
I know that is God's true response. Who knows if the story is true or not. The "moral" of the story is true. God doesn't have a book that he's keeping a list of our sins in. He's forgets them. Never to be thought of again.

I'm gonna skip over talking about people forgiving each other- we're all human and fall short of what God had imagined for us.

As for myself- I think I've beaten myself up enough. I have the love of my family and close friends. I've been forgiven by the Almighty God. I have to do this at some point...
I think I'm ready to let go of this situation. Leave it alone.
Time to move on.