Wednesday, April 14, 2010

{past writings brought out}

I came across a couple of things i wrote in the past year or so.
Sometimes just writing them for others to see helps.
there's no explanation with these- just words as i wrote them.

my fingers hold so tightly onto the box.
it is messy.
screwed up and a total wreck.
i made it quickly, without any plans or idea of what i was doing, simply knowing i wanted a box.
if i let someone else who knows how to fix it take it from my hands, it will be bettered.

But i don't know that i want that.

Because, even though it's messy and probably doesn't even look like a box, it's mine.
I made it.
And i have control.
But do i really want control over something that is useless?
something i'll end up looking at and regretting or wanting to destroy?

sometimes it gets lonely behind a wall. even if the wall has a door in it and people are able to go in and out, sometimes the people i want to talk to are the ones who were the reason i built the wall. But then, through the wall, i hear the taunts and the shouts and all they are saying... and i'm grateful for the wall again, Because they're not able to see how each look, or each word they throw at me actually hits me. I built the wall to make them think that they can't get to me, that i'm fine and don't care. But no wall is perfect. They have cracks, holes. I can still hear. The actual use of the wall is to hide me when the words actually pierce my heart and the looks make me want to cry... But they don't know that. All they see is the wall. The coldness and immobility - how i wish they see me. I can't be moved, emotionally or even physically. As sad or depressing as that thought is- it works for me. Because those few times i feel the words thru the wall, there are more times i have become like the wall.
i am unable to show emotion.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Of Not Being Controlled By Emotions

I know.
Some of you just laughed hysterically at the title, shook your head and said "oh, good luck."

Let's count all the things I have that make this statement a really, really seemingly impossible thing to obtain.

1. I'm female.

That's a good enough list don't you think?
(I thought so)

I am just so sick of having my days be roller coasters. It could be going so well and then one small thing: he does/ doesn't talk to you, your friend states something in just a certain way, a co-worker passes on a bit of "harmless" gossip.
Sometimes I'm very adept at just letting things just roll off my back- like water on the back of a duck?

But lately, I just feel like everything has been running over into everything else. My friendships and my work life and my faith and my family- they're all intertwined.
If something is going bad in one, then I'm for sure not going to be as happy in the others.

Or vice versa.

I've always wanted to know if there was a way to just not let situations control my emotions as much.
Is there a way I can just not care?
That's what it seems like I'd need to do.

{I know, some of you are just thinking "give it up and give it God. He'll help"}

I know that line.
I've told people that line.

Not that it's not true. But sometimes, I get sick of the cliche' lines and the answers that I've gotten since I can remember.

I wish there was something else I could do.
Cause, no offense, God doesn't always deal with it how I'd like Him to.
I wish it was something like- "if you make sure to always do a cartwheel after every interaction with people, you will have control over the situation."

But that's what I ultimately want, right?
It's not even about the emotions.

I just want the control.

It's not about wishing I could handle situations with more grace or simply have a grasp on my emotions.
It's the control.
I don't like feeling out of control in my own life.
But feeling in control in my life is worse than feeling out of control- because then I'm very very mistaken.

So maybe... letting my life be out of control is the best.
Cause I'm never going to control anything. Emotions. Relationships. Situations.

{Here's to living an out of control life}